


Too Fast (Too Late)

by adalheidis



Category: X1 (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Bad Ending, I'm Sorry, M/M, Minor Character Death, Moral Ambiguity, References to Depression, all of the characters tackle situations in... unique ways, the organization is a bit disjointed and all over the place, word vomit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-14
Updated: 2020-08-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:22:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25648768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adalheidis/pseuds/adalheidis
Summary: Strangers are one night stands and colleagues are friends with benefits, but outside of that, Seungyoun doesn’t believe in falling in love. So Seungyoun ends up spending far too much time trying to justify whether his actions make him an asshole or not instead of slowing down and taking a good look at the people around him.Prompt #137 for Different Pools
Relationships: Cho Seungyeon | Seungyoun/Kim Wooseok | Wooshin, Cho Seungyeon | Seungyoun/Kim Wooseok | Wooshin/Lee Hangyul, Cho Seungyeon | Seungyoun/Lee Hangyul
Comments: 2
Kudos: 17
Collections: Different Pools Fic Fest





	Too Fast (Too Late)

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time writing angst and I'm surely no good at it. I did a lot of research on what made angst a "good angst" and decided to go for a route that doesn't necessarily make readers sad, but rather makes them feel uncomfortable and on the edge of their seats. This work was originally meant to be a lot darker than how it turned out but I determined at one point that I was too scared to write any further, scrapped all of my work, and restarted from scratch.
> 
> Still, the final piece retains some dark AND TRIGGERING ELEMENTS:  
> \- references to suicide and depression  
> \- questionable morals  
> \- vulgar language  
> \- Seungwoo (I already made him tamer, but he gets aggressive and beats someone up)
> 
> Please only proceed if you are absolutely sure that you can handle it.
> 
> To the prompter: I'm sorry if this was not what you expected, but I had a great ride writing this so I hope you can share my sentiments.

By the time Seungyoun arrives at the bar his company’s annual dinner is located at, he’s running a quarter of an hour late. Just like he would be every other year. Not that the dinner is any formal so it doesn’t really matter what time he arrives; in fact, the main reason why the dinners are conducted in the first place is so that the old and dry bachelors could, in their hopelessly hopeful minds, find a nice date to take home. And, no one has the authority to scold Seungyoun when he is the magnet that brings in all of the potential dates.

Seungyoun could probably be described as something like a charmer, someone who has others falling on their knees with just one glance at his captivating eyes. He’d be the only person strolling down an unknown street at the wee hours of the morning and in seconds have throngs of entranced passerbys flock over to him like moths to a flame.

At the back of his head, Seungyoun is somewhat aware that he’s trying to test how far he can push his natural appeal. Seungyoun imagines that the scenario goes like this: Seungyoun arrives fashionably late to his company dinner, is welcomed by a joyous celebration, and in the heat of the moment starts getting offered lavish gifts from the snobbier guests with too much money to spend. It boosts Seungyoun’s ego to be treated like a king. Call him an asshole, but he’s only handsome, not rich, and he’ll gladly accept as many blessings as he can get.

On the other hand, to rebuke the fact that Cho Seungyoun is an asshole, he doesn’t get butthurt when people don’t react to him the way he expects. For example, when Seungyoun actually walks into the bar that is already packed with more customers than people he has seen in the last six years of his career, Seungyoun calmly accepts that him being a charmer had simply been a delusional creation of his own mind. 

All he gets are a couple half-hearted handshakes and steam in his face from coworkers that are clearly more interested in their recently delivered dinner than in him. As Seungyoun’s stomach growls and mouth starts salivating, he regrets not coming earlier. It’s not going to be pleasant being the only one in the room not eating because he has yet to order a meal.

Through the sizzling of cider and the clouds of smoke emerging from plates of hot beef, Seungyoun gravitates towards a table with a larger number of coworkers that he thinks he recognizes and that’s when he catches sight of the true star of the night.

“Seungwoo-hyung! Is that you?”

The addressed man acknowledges Seungyoun’s question by kindly pulling out a chair and gesturing for the younger to sit down.

“I haven’t seen you in ages!” Seungyoun teases.

“I just took a temporary leave,” Seungwoo chuckles, albeit the sound is slightly wry.

It is true that Seungwoo had taken time off work, listing personal matters as his reason. Anything more specific beyond that is a mystery to the entire company. From the tone of Seungwoo’s voice, Seungyoun chooses not to press further about the matter despite the curiosity bubbling inside him.

Seungyoun directs his attention to the other people sitting at his table and allows himself to scrutinize the faces. A pair of icy but familiar eyes meets his. They stare at each other in a silent battle, establishing dominance over who can hold contact longer. Unconsciously, Seungyoun’s tongue darts out to lap at his lips and his arm nearly reaches out to grab hold of the cold, princely man. The only obstacle stopping him is Seungwoo’s body flinging into his own and knocking him out of his trance.

An intoxicated group of ladies had all suddenly decided to get touchy, causing Seungwoo to spill half of his drink all over the floor.

“Well, aren’t you popular,” Seungyoun mutters in feigned annoyance while sipping from Seungwoo’s forgotten cup as the elder tries to maneuver his legs away from the puddle on the ground, “Why don’t you introduce to me the people you’ve been talking to earlier this evening?”

With a strong hand, Seungwoo steals his drink back and tips the remainder down his throat before chuckling again, “Maybe if you came punctually for once then I wouldn’t have to introduce them for you.”

“Sorry about that,” Seungyoun grins sheepishly.

Seungwoo rolls his eyes and tilts his head in the direction of a boy sitting directly across from Seungyoun. Seungyoun scans the boy in question and comes to the pleasant realization that he looks a lot like one of Seungyoun’s favorite breeds of dogs. Seungyoun deems this person his new target.

“He’s the only one here you’ve actually never met before unless, of course, he happens to be a previous one night stand of yours,” Seungwoo raises a knowing brow while young mystery boy chokes on air, “His name is Hangyul. He’s the new intern. Hangyul, this is Seungyoun, a self proclaimed seducer.”

Seungyoun smirks and reaches a hand out to shake. Hangyul awkwardly fumbles with his arm to accept Seungyoun’s hand, and, to Seungyoun’s surprise, Hangyul’s grip is firm.

“ _Hangyul_ ,” Seungyoun is only testing the name on his tongue but Hangyul flinches abruptly causing Seungyoun to cackle internally, “Hangyul, unfortunately, is not one of my one night stands. But now that you mention it, hyung, I can’t help but imagine how a puppy would be like in bed with me.”

Though Hangyul’s face betrays no emotion, Seungyoun can see that Hangyul’s ears are burning red like two chilli peppers sandwiching his face. And his hand. Hangyul’s hand that had been so solid with Seungyoun before is now itching to wipe away the sweat beading at Hangyul’s hairline. It makes Seungyoun want to pick on Hangyul more.

“Have you ordered your meal yet? Here, have some of my stew,” Hangyul opens up his voice for the first time that evening and Seungyoun is delighted by how deep it is.

It is clear that the young intern is ignoring Seungyoun’s suggestive words and attempting to steer their exchange in another direction. And, while Seungyoun already gets a buzz from Hangyul spoiling his empty stomach, an irresistible force compels Seungyoun to speak provocatively again without allowing his brain to agree with the instruction.

“Ever done it with a man? I bet I could make you feel real good. And, if you ever want to try being on the receiving end, I could also teach you how to pleasure yourself,” Seungyoun leans across the table to whisper into Hangyul’s ear for emphasis, “ _with your prostate_.”

He and Hangyul are essentially having two completely mismatched conversations at the same time. Hangyul just about gives up on picking his chopsticks up to eat.

“Have you ever done it at all? Maybe you’re a virgin waiting for someone like me to come around and help you lose your v-card. I’ll be the perfect person. Who knows, you might uncover some secret kinks with me.”

Someone wolf whistles, making Seungyoun laugh blissfully. The atmosphere of the table explodes into a boisterous mess and Seungyoun’s head muddles- the only thought he has left is a single command telling him to continue teasing the living daylights out of Hangyul. That is sort of asshole-ish, but Seungyoun swears he usually isn’t. Hangyul makes him lose control of his common sense.

“Do you usually talk to your coworkers like this?” Hangyul is ticked off- to be fair, Seungyoun is shocked that the younger’s patience didn’t wear out earlier.

“Sure!” Seungyoun is happy to reply, “Just ask the man sitting next to you.”

Kim Wooseok. The ice prince from before and coincidentally someone Seungyoun plays with. Seungyoun pats himself on the back for managing to drag the man into his lovely (rather vulgar) discussion. Judging by the way Wooseok’s cheekbones raise and his jaw tightens, Wooseok had already been listening in and is flustered to be found out. Seungyoun, who isn’t an asshole, knows this because he is attentive to his partners. Especially the ones that he sleeps with more than once. That’s right, Wooseok is the type that makes Seungyoun come back for more.

Strangers are one night stands and colleagues are friends with benefits, but outside of that, Seungyoun doesn’t believe in falling in love (love is revolting).

Wooseok doesn’t either, huffing out, “He talks like that to everyone but that’s all he is: _talk_. His dick looks like a shriveled prune.”

“And your favorite snack is prunes,” Seungyoun counters.

“No, I’m allergic,” Wooseok doesn’t even bat an eye.

Now, Wooseok’s words are no less explicit than Seungyoun’s. After all, he had the guts to call out Seungyoun's own genitals, but Hangyul visibly relaxes and finally moves to grab another slice of meat.

“Hey intern,” Wooseok calls while hooking one of his arms over Hangyul’s shoulder, “I’ll take you to another table if you want.”

It’s only while looking at the thin wrist dangling loosely but protectively around Hangyul that Seungyoun snaps out of whatever shitty image he had been masked under and he finally admits that he most likely just scared off the new intern. Which makes him very much an asshole. Quickly, Seungyoun shakes his head and raises both of his hands so that his palms are facing away. He offers an apology with a gentlemanly smile he knows can melt old grandmas’ hearts, “No- don’t. I’m sorry for making you uncomfortable. I’ll just go out for a quick smoke so you two can eat in peace. When I come back we can start over and pretend I never said anything.”

Seungyoun stands up and Seungwoo, who had been suspiciously quiet during the previous conversation, follows after.

“By the way, Kim Wooseok. You and intern look good together,” Seungyoun bites out bitterly.

All of a sudden, Seungyoun is upset. An unknown component within his heart coerced him into saying that, telling him he was obligated to make Wooseok and Hangyul feel humiliated in order to be satiated. When two people grow close to each other, try to force them to be something more than they are and, in their denial, they’ll tear apart like a pair of chopsticks. The devil living in his mind tells Seungyoun that he wants to see Wooseok and Hangyul push each other away to the point that they can no longer look each other in the eye.

Perhaps from now on, Cho Seungyoun can better describe himself as a sadist than a charmer.

* * *

“So who’s the next one?”

“E-excuse me?” Seungyoun finds himself stuttering, taken aback by the aggressiveness laced in the tone of his best friend.

Seungwoo is in a mood, Seungyoun guesses that the elder is still aggravated by whatever happened during his temporary leave from work. He thinks Seungwoo is really in need of a smoke.

Clumsily, Seungyoun fumbles with his cigarette case and pulls a stick out for Seungwoo, though he has no intention to take one for himself.

Seungwoo doesn’t spare the younger a glance as he grabs the cigarette and lights it with a lighter he pulls out of his blazer, “I know you only come to these dinners because the single geezers need you to attract ladies for them, but you usually go home with someone yourself, am I right? I’m just curious about who it is today?”

“I’ll probably court Kim Wooseok,” Seungyoun blurts after pretending to think for a second. 

There is no lust bubbling in his stomach that night, Seungyoun realises as he stands against the chilly air, so he’s more likely to go home and pass out after playing a few games on his phone than to sleep with anyone. Yet Wooseok’s name is the only one he can come up with and the first that touches his tongue.

“Oh,” Seungwoo hums, bemused, “Again?”

“Yeah,” Seungyoun lies.

“Interesting. You’ve never been friends with benefits with a single person for so long. People in the office are going to start wondering if you’re in an actual relationship.”

“Nah, you know me, hyung.”

“Do you know yourself, Seungyoun?”

To this, Seungyoun cocks his head in confusion.

“Are you sure you don’t have feelings for Wooseok?”

Seungyoun chortles like Seungwoo had grown a third eye, but being completely honest, he’s a bit pissed off. Just hearing about love, feelings, and romance makes Seungyoun want to puke.

“Never.”

Under his breath, a bit muffled by the puff of smoke escaping his mouth, Seungwoo mutters with contempt, “Fucker.” 

It takes a few seconds for Seungyoun to analyze Seungwoo’s stoic face and figure out what’s been stuck up the elder’s ass. A twig? A hammer? Feelings? The truth? Sure Seungwoo may have just come out of something terrible but his irritability and mood swings are a lot for just a horrible personal experience.

Then Seungyoun’s normally feline eyes grow abnormally wide as he guffaws, nearly dropping ashes all over his suit as he doubles over, “Is _the_ Han Seungwoo jealous? I can’t believe this!”

Seungyoun fans his red face and plays with the collar of his unbuttoned work shirt, so obviously putting on a front, “I didn’t take you for the type to fall for me! Now, look what kind of predicament you put me in! You aren’t expecting me to answer your confession are you? I couldn’t possibly- I mean- I thought you knew best that I’m naturally seductive, but I don’t believe in feelings for-”

“The fuck would I fall for you? You’re an asshole,” Seungwoo takes a heavy drag of his cigarette and Seungyoun believes that he must have offended the elder.

“Right. How self-centered that was of me to assume you liked me.” 

Seungyoun doesn’t know why that had been the first conclusion he came to either. It’s the one that would hurt less if confirmed, but why?

“Then you like Wooseok?”

“No, you idiot. I just want to protect the people around me from your bullshit antics.”

Seungyoun exhales in relief (and he, again, has _no idea_ why), “What? What happened to you? You used to be one of those wolf-whistlers that egged me on whenever I got a new date.”

“I did, didn’t I?” mixed emotions flash across Seungwoo’s eyes and Seungyoun can tell he’s reminiscing about an event, “Back then, I was quite foolish. I went about things the wrong way. You know, I never approved of your playboy ways but I also knew that it was impossible for me to ever convince you to stop. I thought that if I gave you good partners, you’d eventually settle down. But looking at the disaster of a life you lead now, I feel like I’ve made a mistake.”

The tension between them is thick and Seungyoun feels himself gulping involuntarily.

“Lee Hangyul.”

“What?” Seungyoun questions in confusion, “What does the new intern have to do with any of this?”

“I’m suggesting that you court him. One last time, if you really don’t fall in love then I won’t bother you about this topic anymore.”

At this, Seungyoun’s eyes harden and he scoffs, “Stop mentioning that fucking word. If you try to set me up behind my back I’ll toy with him and break him in half so you can comfort him afterwards. I don’t know what kind of sick shit is going on inside your head but I think you really need to get laid to clear it out.”

But the irony is that Seungyoun has equally sick shit spewing out of his mouth.

That night, as all of the dinner attendees are dispersing or figuring out how to get the particularly wasted people home, Seungyoun offers to help Hangyul catch a cab. Not because he has any ulterior motives and definitely not because he’s trying to heed Seungwoo’s crap advice.

But in their drunken stupor, Seungyoun ends up listening with concerned ears to Hangyul’s story about how he wishes to build up experience in countless different work fields so he can become a multi-talented money maker and pay back his adoptive parents for raising him. They fall into a slumber side by side on a bed that Seungyoun doesn’t know who owns, neither of them stripping a single layer of clothing from their skin.

* * *

Ruffling his hair in frustration, Seungyoun groans, “Fuck.”

Hangyul lets out a loud roar of laughter, more obnoxious than the grandpas that gamble near his apartment. Seungyoun buries his face in his hands.

“I’m so sorry, Hangyul. I didn’t mean to steal your bed. I swear I didn’t do anything to you last night.”

“Don’t worry,” Hangyul waves a hand of dismissal, “I believe you.”

Seungyoun gapes and points a finger at himself, asking the silent question, “me?” _The me who virgin-shamed you when I first met you?_

“Stay for breakfast?” Hangyul asks and Seungyoun simply cannot fathom why Hangyul is being so nice to him (as well as why Hangyul’s kindness makes his heart more violent but he won’t say that out loud).

Foreign to being shown compassion, Seungyoun is speechless for a second. He barely knows how to muster a response and can only thank the heavens when he spots the ticking clock in Hangyul’s kitchen, “Unfortunately, I don’t think we have time for breakfast.”

“Ah right!” Hangyul agrees but he doesn’t look rushed at all.

He languidly shuffles around the apartment, stretching, yawning, and picking up pieces of clothing strewn here and there all while Seungyoun stands dumbly at the door ready to bolt out and away from Hangyul’s presence. Everything unravels like a stop-motion movie and for some reason, Hangyul is so mesmerizing that even if Seungyoun is anxious, he can’t look away.

“Seungyoun? Earth to Seungyoun-hyung? Are you listening?” 

Seungyoun blinks once and Hangyul is in front of his face, all dressed up and fervently shaking a hand for attention. _What?_

“Do you need an advil or something?”

No, Seungyoun does not. In fact, his head is so painless he’s beginning to doubt whether he even got close to tipsy the night before.

“No,” Seungyoun says, verbally this time, and gestures for Hangyul to lead them outside to go to their office.

He makes a mental note that Hangyul seems as sober as him.

Hangyul mumbles, “You are a gentleman after all.”

“What was that?” Seungyoun asks as he gets in the driver seat of Hangyul’s car- they had to travel together considering that the work place is quite a distance from Hangyul’s home and Seungyoun had no other means of transportation. Seungyoun insisted on being the one to take the wheel as payment for staying the night even though Hangyul thought that being able to get him home in one piece was enough of a compensation.

“I think,” Hangyul stops to swallow a bit of the saliva that built up in his mouth, “I think that you shouldn’t try so hard to impress other people. You’re decent enough without the foul language.”

Seungyoun already knows what Hangyul is referring to and cringes at the memory.

“Well, at least you know that I put in effort for you,” Seungyoun starts the car.

Throughout the ride, Seungyoun and Hangyul exchange many words. They don’t flirt, but they banter. Seungyoun finds that he likes the change and that he likes the way he breathes better whenever Hangyul lets out an airy laugh.

The cure to his stress doesn’t lie inside the chemicals of cancer sticks, Seungyoun realizes. Maybe he should’ve led Seungwoo out to get a breath of fresh air earlier.

* * *

When Seungyoun sits down with Seungwoo during their lunch break, the elder still looks so hungover and depressed that Seungyoun can’t help but snicker.

“Hey, you,” Seungwoo sighs in acknowledgement.

“You look like you’re dying,” Seungyoun mocks.

“Yeah, yeah,” Seungwoo shakes his head with a slight smile on his lips, “But what’s up with you? When you walked in with the intern this morning I thought I was still drunk and hallucinating. I didn’t think that you would actually listen to my suggestion.”

Seungyoun ponders. What suggestion? _Ah, that’s right. That suggestion._ Seungwoo and Seungyoun are both the type of people who remember everything they say while they’re drunk, whether that be a curse or a blessing. But still, Seungyoun doesn’t reckon that he had been courting Hangyul. They didn’t do anything remotely romantic.

Seungwoo sighs and bows his head, probably taking Seungyoun’s silence as an expression of anger (Seungyoun is aware that he shows that emotion often around Seungwoo), “I said some real shit last night. Sorry for bringing it up.”

“No, no. Don’t apologize. I was just thinking. And besides, I talked shit last night too.”

They both poke away at their food for some time, neither of them having the stomach to ingest anything without risking a stomachache (but for different reasons).

Until Seungyoun lifts his head and speaks, “I think your words are appreciated. You talked some sense into me.”

Seungwoo’s eyes widen comically and he nearly screams, “So you actually like him?”

“No, no!” Seungyoun cheerfully laughs at Seungwoo’s face, he laughs so hard that his empty stomach starts to sting in pain, and a little bit of his chest starts to tighten too. As much as Seungyoun tries to ground himself more as a person, he’s not over his aversion towards words of affection.

“Of course not! I still don’t do love. But I thought that I should stop fooling around with people so that good boys like Hangyul won’t get hurt because of me. Meanwhile, you should stop smoking so much. Then you won’t be going around looking like a beat up rat.”

Seungwoo softens, “That is a pretty good deal.”

“I know. Anything’s better than that garbage deal you tried to make with me last night. What kind of deal was that? You don’t even gain anything from watching me try to get together with someone I have no feelings for-” Seungyoun retches on his words, sensing another sting around his chest area, “Ah, sorry. Got to stop ranting so much with a dry throat.”

“Lunch break is over anyways. Let’s go grab you some water and get back to work.”

As Seungwoo and Seungyoun walk back to their office cubicles, they stop shortly by Hangyul’s seat to drop off some paperwork. Seungyoun leans over Hangyul’s side to whisper to the younger a small, ‘thank you’ to which Hangyul replies with a confused puppy face. Seungyoun leaves only after gently caressing Hangyul’s rough hands and patting his back.

No more asshole Seungyoun or sadist Seungyoun. Seungyoun is now the office’s Mr. Nice Guy superior.

Except, while Seungyoun’s on his phone deleting all of the plentiful dating apps and contact information of his one night stands, he also slips in a text to the person he can’t seem to stay away from. His fingers had moved on their own, is how Seungyoun explains it, but he makes no move to delete the message. Technically, Seungyoun isn’t backing out on a deal per say- Wooseok has always been his special case. Seungyoun is not hopping islands but sticking to one which, in his definition, does not count as playing. Without the risk of transmitted disease, Seungyoun thinks he’s still in the safe zone. 

Wooseok doesn’t get to fully enter the hotel door before Seungyoun’s body is all over his, slamming the smaller against the wall and pressing open-mouthed kisses into the junction of Wooseok’s neck.

“What are we-” Wooseok is cut off by a desperate suck at his lips.

Seungyoun knows what question Wooseok had been meaning to ask, and Wooseok knows the answer. It’s the same every time.

_What are we doing tonight?_

_We’re doing it my way._

* * *

Seungyoun continues to spend his time that way for a couple of months. In front of his colleagues, he would dance around Hangyul’s table. And when the sun goes down, he’d dance with Wooseok in the confines of a love hotel. At least now Seungyoun has the decency to only schedule his dick appointments on the weekends rather than on the weekdays, so every few Friday nights he’d confirm his ‘ _no strings attached relationship_ ’ with Wooseok over a bottle of soju. Of the pounding headache and bruises on his arms, the greatest injury Seungyoun would leave with each time would probably be the stuttering of his heart.

Yet he also continues to ignore his heart’s desperate pleas for help. And eventually the world starts to move ahead of the schedule he set himself.

“For how long have you been clean?” Seungyoun finds himself asking Seungwoo when he meets the elder out at a smoke free restaurant during their lunch break.

“Around seventeen weeks.”

“Hey,” Seungyoun punches Seungwoo’s shoulder, “I’m proud of you, hyung.”

“What about you?” Seungwoo asks in return, “How many people have you slept with since we made our deal?”

Seungyoun freezes and contemplates between telling the truth or lying.

“Would you be upset with me if I did sleep with people?” Seungyoun questions tentatively and though he already knows that his poor choice of words revealed that he has indeed been sleeping with people, he thinks it’s still better to be cautious.

“No, no,” Seungwoo chuckles, “To masturbate alone for four months is just unrealistic.”

“I dunno,” Seungyoun shrugs, “You seem like you would force me to practice abstinence and get all buddy-buddy with my left hand or something.”

Seungwoo rolls his eyes, “Just tell me the number.”

Seungyoun takes his sweet time swallowing the remaining food in his mouth, also raising his index finger to signal Seungwoo to wait while he gulps down a cup of water- he had suddenly felt that his throat was too dry to speak. Seungwoo ends up tapping his shoe against the ground impatiently.

“One. One person.”

The frown that was originally sitting on Seungwoo’s tight lips upturns to a grin, “Wow. That’s impressive. Why were you even worrying about your answer?”

Seungyoun shrugs again though on the inside, he’s ecstatic that Seungwoo agrees with his deduction- that Seungwoo agrees that Seungyoun is not breaking any rules by having a long term friends with benefits relationship (did Seungyoun explicitly state anything about the nature of said relationship, no, but he’s fooling himself into believing that Seungwoo is on the same page as him).

“Were you worried because you started catching feelings for this one person?” 

Seungyoun lurches forward and grips harshly at the table cloth, so much his knuckles start to turn white.

“What the fuck, Seungwoo. You’ve got to let go of that. I’m seriously never going to fall in love,” Seungyoun abruptly stands up and grabs their check, “Come on, let’s head back to the office.”

Seungyoun supposes that he had managed his burst of anger better by distracting himself with a task, yet as he turns his back on Seungwoo, he feels a vein popping out of his forehead. Seungwoo’s grumbling something behind him, agitated, and Seungyoun understands that he didn’t need to cuss out the elder, but he’s already trying his best. Seungyoun is struggling too. Out of people to point the blame to, Seungyoun points at destiny. _I didn’t ask to be born aromantic either_.

As the pair make their journey back to their office cubicles, they take a detour, as usual, by where a certain puppy-like intern would sit sipping a red, hot cup of ramen. By going back to the usual, maybe Seungwoo and Seungyoun could dispel the strain between them. However, Seungyoun is confusedly met with a tidied and empty table.

“He’s probably out making door-to-door sales. That’s what the company always makes the interns do, right?” Seungwoo offers an explanation with a knowing eyebrow raised.

That is when Seungyoun realizes that Seungwoo must have horribly misunderstood and connected the wrong dots between Seungyoun’s words and his actions. But Seungyoun doesn’t bother with explaining to Seungwoo that Hangyul is _not_ the one person he’s been sleeping with for the past few months, rather, his brain is going haywire with what possibilities would make Hangyul leave his table behind. Door-to-door sales don't sound quite right.

“During his lunch break?” Seungyoun pries.

“Loosen up, brother. The kid barely takes lunch breaks. He just eats instant noodles and works at the same time.”

Seungwoo’s words do nothing to drive away Seungyoun’s anxiety.

* * *

Seungyoun catches Hangyul around 11:00 P.M.- because screw social pressure and Korean people’s anxiety over being the first ones to leave the office- shoving two suspiciously large shopping bags into his car trunk. Hangyul is sporting a sheer white t-shirt paired with black skinny jeans and Seungyoun can’t help but think that the attire is not fitting at all for a chilly night.

“Hey there, intern,” Seungyoun waves as nonchalantly as possible with one hand and keeps the other tucked warm in his coat pocket, “I haven’t seen you at all today.”

“Right! I spent most of the day with Wooseok-hyung!” Hangyul’s reasoning is concise and he probably thinks that he doesn’t need to say more. 

And he’s correct, because suddenly, Seungyoun doesn’t want to hear more.

“And you didn’t spend any time with me,” Seungyoun mentions whilst busting a gut to not make it sound as if he’s whining.

Hangyul’s hand pauses mid-move just as he’s about to shut his car trunk and he turns aggravatingly slow to meet Seungyoun’s eyes. The way the street lights glimmer in Hangyul’s rounded orbs is so appallingly beautiful that Seungyoun feels like dying.

“You can… come to my place tonight,” Hangyul enunciates slowly.

There is hesitance laced in Hangyul’s voice and Seungyoun can tell that the younger is secretly wishing that Seungyoun declines. It must have been one of those inescapable forces that drove Hangyul to speak; Seungyoun is familiar with such force. And as much as Seungyoun should take responsibility, he accepts the offer because he doesn’t think that his erratic heart would be able to handle it if he turns the younger down.

“The shower is right over there. I’ll get you some of my spare clothes that you can change into. I’m pretty sure they’ll fit you just fine because, ya’know, I’m not exactly petite despite my height.” Hangyul is quick to explain the second he toes his shoes off and Seungyoun can only nod absent-mindedly.

“And after that,” Hangyul starts but pauses to chew a bit at his lower lip, “you know where my bedroom is.”

Hangyul smiles as Seungyoun exits the shower and they exchange turns. When Hangyul returns to his bedroom, his cheeks are fluffy and his hair is damp. Though they obviously used the same toiletries, Seungyoun thinks that Hangyul smells particularly pure like a baby. And when Hangyul lies down beside Seungyoun, the softness is almost overwhelming.

They become awkward when neither of them have the intention to turn off the lights. Unfortunately, Seungyoun can’t focus on fixing the mood when he’s too preoccupied with regulating his breathing so he doesn’t bury his face into Hangyul’s cotton shirt out of the blue.

Luckily, it’s Hangyul that breaks the silence first.

“You’re not going to do anything to me?” Hangyul asks, eyes boring deep into Seungyoun’s (he’s not so lucky anymore when he’s sinking inside Hangyul’s gaze).

Seungyoun gulps, feeling his resolve starting to waver, “No, I couldn’t.”

“Then what are you doing right now?” the words come so quiet that it’s like the wind carried a sound from a thousand kilometers away; Seungyoun can barely tell if they were actually said aloud by the other boy or if they were a figment of his imagination.

Seungyoun snatches the hand he discovered had been cupping Hangyul’s face and tucks it away so that it’s cushioned between his head and the pillow he’s laying on.

“Nothing. I’m not doing anything,” Seungyoun says and mentally beats himself up for being so reckless, “Fuck, sorry. I don’t know why my hand moved like that.”

“Nah, it’s alright,” it isn’t and Seungyoun knows because this time, Hangyul’s eyes are looking distant, “If you don’t want me to comfort you, what can I do for you?”

With every syllable that leaves Hangyul’s mouth, Seungyoun’s head just becomes more clouded and disordered: _What gave Hangyul the impression that Seungyoun wanted him to be a comfort doll?_ People in the office talk, they gossip, hell Seungyoun talks a lot of bullshit but to reduce a perfectly optimistic person into someone who willingly gives away his body is immoral. Seungyoun wants to tell Hangyul that- that he wants to hide the younger and shield him from the bad world, but his mouth is slack. _What can Hangyul do for him?_ Hangyul has done enough. If Hangyul continues to provide more hospitality than he already has, Seungyoun’s brain will really malfunction with all of the wrong ideas (he might fall in l---).

“J-Just tell me some stories again. Like about your childhood and that, you know. A-and I’ll listen.”

“Mmm, about my adoptive parents or about how I used to attempt to perform black magic on random people in my elementary school...”

Magically, Hangyul manages to talk himself to sleep so Seungyoun dismisses Hangyul’s off gaze as a result of tiredness. He’s thankful that Hangyul’s snoring masks the sound of frantic heart so that he doesn’t have to confront it just yet.

The next day, Seungyoun eats lunch with Kim Wooseok in a department he’d usually never step a foot in and confirms with great regret that his world has been flipped 180 degrees around.

* * *

It takes Seungyoun more courage to finally accept that he needs to let go of his toxic relationship with Wooseok. Not that the other is doing anything conflicting, but rather, something inside Seungyoun’s body is eating him up alive and he needs to free the both of them in order to get even a sliver of a chance at redemption.

Another few months pass before Seungyoun asks Wooseok if they could speak in private during a friendly lunch with both Wooseok and Hangyul present. The three built up a precious friendship over trio lunches, overtime, and small talk after Hangyul had suggested they all hang out together instead of tiptoeing around each other everytime the sun rises and falls. “We all know each other anyways,” Hangyul had said, “We are friends”. And now that they have officially labelled themselves as friends- not friends with benefits or boyfriends and no gray area- Seungyoun is sure he absolutely cannot fall in love with either of them or else his life is over.

“When and where?” was Wooseok’s immediate reply to the request, indicating his acceptance.

Seungyoun had just shaken his head, “Meet me by the lobby immediately after work. I’ll walk us to my place.”

“This is unusual,” Wooseok smiles as they walk side by side, “It usually goes more like a: text, location, time, period.”

Seungyoun chuckles at Wooseok’s horrible interpretation of what Seungyoun’s booty call texts should sound if spoken aloud.

“Today’s a special day.”

“Oh? Special?” Wooseok quirks a brow upwards, “I like the sound of that.”

“Definitely,” Seungyoun hums.

“Is it a new kink?” Wooseok tries to figure out what exactly Seungyoun has in store for him.

“Be patient. You’ll know when you get there.”

Wooseok huffs but ultimately goes with Seungyoun’s words. He obeys Seungyoun’s implied demand for Wooseok to shut up a bit too well that the silence that fills the rest of their walk is nearly overpowering. It’s not an inconvenient silence. Seungyoun just thinks that his thoughts are yapping too loudly. And it’s not that he’s worrying about the news he’s going to break out later either; in fact he would rather be seriously considering the right choice of words to use than getting distracted by how pretty Wooseok looks when he’s strolling leisurely in the middle of the road, the few cars that drive by don’t honk at him but flash their headlights to illuminate Wooseok’s figurative runway.

Seungyoun rips his eyes away from Wooseok’s adorable boots that had been kicking and scruffing against the concrete, “Here, get in.”

“Thank you,” Wooseok bows politely when Seungyoun holds open his apartment door and gestures for Wooseok to enter inside first.

“What are we doing tonight?” Wooseok asks, getting straight to the business- though he does let his eyes linger around at the various pieces of art that he probably wouldn’t have expected to find decorating Seungyoun’s living space.

“Here’s the plan: we’re going to shower-” Seungyoun quickly holds a finger up to shush Wooseok who was just about to open his mouth to suggest something dirty, “- _individually_ . And then we’re going to sleep a mile apart on my king sized bed and _talk_.”

Wooseok’s entire being softens and if Seungyoun thought he looked casual before, now he looks like he’s right at home. Seungyoun’s words must have pacified the shorter and removed a source of burden from him.

“That sounds like one heck of a plan.”

After Seungyoun and Wooseok are all cleaned up, they lay, true to Seungyoun’s promise, on Seungyoun’s bed with a gap as large as an ocean in between them.

“You know, Hangyul was right,” Wooseok starts.

“Elaborate please.”

“You really do have a good side. He told me that whenever you two spent the night together, all you did was talk about philosophy and pop culture. I didn’t believe him then but I do now.”

Seungyoun raises his non-existent eyebrows up, “He talks about me to you? You two must be close to share everything with each other.”

It’s a bullshit question considering that Seungyoun is well aware that Wooseok and Hangyul are comfortable enough to share personal stories with each other- and, with Seungyoun too. Seungyoun asks anyway.

And Wooseok takes him seriously, “I initiated it. I told Hangyul about our agreement. I’ll admit I may have put in a few too many bad words. Then, I think he concluded that I was being abused by you. Truthfully, I don’t recall us ever having any severe problems, but Hangyul thought it was unfair for me to endure you being a dickhead whilst he couldn’t do anything about it. You remember when Hangyul started inviting you to his house all the time?”

Seungyoun does.

“His plan was to occupy all of your nights. He described it as a ‘commensalistic relationship’ because you refuse to do anything to him, but I would receive the positive benefits of having more sleep. He doesn’t know this but back then, I thought, ‘could this kid really protect me’? Just look at him! He’s like a puppy!”

Wooseok laughs and Seungyoun can’t help but follow the sound. It’s infectious.

“He sure is. That is why I can’t bring myself to defile him. Doing so would be a crime.”

Wooseok makes a sound of agreement. He doesn’t seem bothered by the fact that Seungyoun is essentially implying that Wooseok’s body is more expendable than Hangyul’s with the way Seungyoun usually doesn’t hesitate to mark it up. Still, the itching at his heart tells him that he needs to reassure the pretty boy that he is worth a _whole lot_.

“You’re aware that you aren’t worth any less, right? Despite the activities that you engage in?”

A small frown forms on Wooseok’s face that Seungyoun wouldn’t have been able to see if he didn’t have his bedside lamp on. Still, Wooseok nods to Seungyoun’s question.

“But I think I need to do some work on my part. I’m a total piece of garbage and I keep ordering you around like a rag doll for my own selfish desires,” Seungyoun remarks, “That is why, I decided to take the big leap and put an end to our relationship. From now on, you’ll never be obligated to sleep with me again.”

Wooseok must have been drowsy for a long time as Seungyoun should have picked up by Wooseok’s gradual decrease in the number of words he spoke. But Seungyoun is sure that Wooseok heard him loud and clear. Wooseok falls asleep like an angel with all creases of worry washed and gone from his face.

Seungyoun released Wooseok from the cage Seungyoun imposed on him. Except rather than being able to breathe better, Seungyoun’s heart breaks out into another one of those wild palpitations, beating rapid and faulty against his ribcage as he stares at Wooseok’s fluttering eyes. His heart screams the same way it does when he spends too much time with Hangyul (it’s about time to go to the doctor to check out what’s wrong with him). Then again, this must imply that Seungyoun has a condition where his heart acts up when he falls asleep next to anyone (a condition definitely not specific to anyone).

Hitting two birds with one stone, Seungyoun found closure with Wooseok and confirmed to himself that he was not in love with anyone.

It was supposed to be one of the best nights of his life.

* * *

A year passes too fast and the time for that dreaded company dinner comes around too fast. Luckily as of that year, Seungyoun has become a new man and no longer needs to attend wild gatherings to win himself a partner to bring home. Instead, Seungyoun approaches Hangyul with a mischievous but warm smile and asks the young intern-turned-employee if he would like to ditch the dinner and go eat their own fancy dinner at a restaurant of their style.

Hangyul beams at Seungyoun with a blinding smile so bright that it causes Seungyoun to mindlessly agree to Hangyul bringing Wooseok along.

Hangyul sticks close to Wooseok the entire dinner like a shadow and the scene starts to tick off strange thoughts inside Seungyoun’s head. So ignoring those pressing thoughts, Seungyoun inspects the menu in his hands.

“You’re a happy one,” Seungyoun hears Wooseok says too close to Hangyul’s ear even though Seungyoun who is sitting all the way on the other side of the table can hear Wooseok just fine.

“Of course I’m happy to spend time with Wooseok-hyung!” Hangyul cheers.

Deciding that he needs to put some input into their conversation too, Seungyoun asks, “Did you have too much to drink?”

Hangyul tilts his head confusedly, “I thought we’re ordering the drinks right now.”

Seungyoun barely contemplates whether he should tell Hangyul that the younger so obviously missed the rhetorical question when Wooseok starts pinching too fondly at Hangyul’s cheek.

“Hey!” Seungyoun shouts and he has no clue whose attention he is trying to get, “I was teasing you, Hangyul-ah, but I guess you’re too occupied with Wooseok that you couldn’t notice.”

Hangyul blushes a fiery red and Seungyoun starts to boil.

“Wow, I’m so hurt,” Seungyoun is usually not one for dramatics, but he says the words in a scolding tone, his heart telling him that he needs to be harsh, “Do you like me or your Wooseok-hyung more?”

“Sorry, Seungyoun-hyung. Of course I’m going to like Wooseok-hyung more. You have to understand. We’re dating.”

The fragile world Seungyoun had barely been surviving in before falls to shambles. He closes the menu in his trembling hands and decides not to order any drinks so that he won’t be exposed to any glasses that he can turn into weapons to organize a massacre with.

_Why is that so devastating? Why doesn’t Seungyoun want to congratulate his friends?_

How the tables have turned since the last year. Seungyoun had been the one infatuated all along. Stumbling between two boys he couldn’t choose between, he used manipulation to keep them from leaving.

In the end, the truth was that Wooseok and Hangyul were more likely to leave him for each other than he was to leave either of them.

* * *

So what is Seungyoun so upset about? That he contradicted his solemn swear to never fall in love? No, Seungyoun is upset because he didn’t get what he wanted. He wanted Wooseok and Hangyul. Both of them.

They didn’t want him back.

Seungyoun stops eating lunch with the couple.

They didn’t and don’t want him so it doesn’t matter much whether his presence is there at the cafeteria or not.

Seungyoun doesn’t miss them. He’s just more hyper aware of their voices whenever either one of them passes through his department building to get to a meeting. He’s not missing out on them either. He tries to convince himself.

After Seungyoun catches, through the corner of his eyes, Wooseok and Hangyul so lovingly share a pure kiss, he doesn’t cry. Immediately. He doesn’t cry immediately. He flees to the bathroom and presses warm palms over his swollen face as he fucking bawls to the point he can feel his heart being torn and forcefully dragged out of his body through his eyes.

“Hey.”

Seungyoun lifts his head up and, through the bathroom mirror, makes eye contact with a Seungwoo who wears a blank expression on his face. Seungyoun isn’t sure if he’s glad that Seungwoo’s there to distract him from staring into his own bloodshot eyes or distraught that Seungwoo caught him in this position.

He can’t be sure what the elder is there for either because, judging by the aura surrounding Seungwoo’s stance, Seungwoo surely isn’t there to take a piss.

“Long time no see.”

“Would you believe that? A casanova like me really got dumped by two boys on the same day! For what reason? The boys were chasing after each other! I wonder how they even fit each other. Their dynamic, it doesn’t make sense,” Seungyoun ends up spilling his frustrations out on the elder- he’s convinced that he can’t be hurt further than he already has been so it doesn’t matter what he says aloud anymore.

“But did you really get dumped? You couldn’t have been if you didn’t ask them out in the first place,” Seungwoo explains this logically and the last thing Seungyoun needs in his state of being an emotional wreck is logic.

Yet, he can’t argue against the elder. Seungyoun’s problems started because of himself and he’s the one who has to suffer the consequences. He knows it’s his own fault for being a wuss.

“No,” Seungyoun mumbles, “Look, I get it. I fucked up. I didn’t acknowledge that I liked them and now my chance is gone. Cool. I’m good now. I can start sleeping around and getting laid again because everything you planned for me so obviously didn’t work out, right? You see, I’m hopeless. You can’t fix me.”

Seungwoo’s eyebrows knit together forming an unbearably pitiful expression on his face and Seungyoun suddenly feels like he’ll really throw up his entire lunch if the expression stays on Seungwoo’s face any longer.

“Soften up, bud. You don’t need to be so concerned about me that you look like you’re about to shit your pants. I’m alright,” Seungyoun pats at Seungwoo’s back while turning his face in the other direction.

“I am still concerned.”

_What is up with the tone of Seungwoo’s voice?_

“I am concerned that you’re able to laugh off the horrible deed you did.”

“What are you saying, Seungwoo? If it weren’t for you constantly pushing me to look at other people, I wouldn’t have fallen in l-”

“You! Ungrateful bastard! How dare you put the blame on me!” Seungwoo finally explodes, pulling up Seungyoun by the collar so that he’s dangling like a doll and forced to look into Seungwoo’s dead cold eyes, “Even after you ruined my life, I still looked after you so that you wouldn’t fall down the same hole that I did. But now you’re throwing it all away? Even when you deserve the treatment you got, you still have the audacity to whine like a kid?”

Seungyoun gags.

“Look at you. I hate how unmoved you look,” the hand that is choking Seungyoun up gradually trembles as Seungwoo seathes but his strength never falters, “They left you? You’ve got to be kidding me. Seungyoun. People leaving you is nothing compared to people leaving the world.”

When Seungwoo drops Seungyoun on the floor, Seungyoun is quick to catch his breath, coughing and clawing at his shirt collar that hugs him too tight. And Seungwoo’s exhausted body drops down mere millimeters next to Seungyoun’s. Seungyoun flinches when he feels a heavy weight on his shoulder, but it turns out Seungwoo is just burying his face into Seungyoun’s side in a silent apology.

“Han Sunhwa. Does the name ring a bell?”

Seungyoun nods, not trusting his voice after the incident that occurred earlier.

He does remember Sunhwa. She was a pretty friend and colleague of his that he hung out with every so often. Word often went around the office about how she had feelings for him but Seungyoun never indulged in them.

“She’s my sister. That extended break that I took last year? It was to attend her funeral.”

Seungyoun drops his jaw in shock and… terror. It couldn’t be.

And Seungyoun decides that the matter is serious enough for him to open his throat and speak, “H-Hyung, it wasn’t because of me- or- could- I-”

“No, don’t worry,” Seungwoo says, too tired to be angry or frustrated, “She lost the battle to cancer.”

“I’m so sorry,” Seungyoun breathes.

_Sorry for not knowing. Sorry for not attending the funeral. Sorry for being disrespectful._

“Though,” and Seungwoo mumbles this so quietly that if it weren’t for the fact that he and Seungyoun were literally sitting ear to ear, Seungyoun wouldn’t have heard him, “I can’t help but think that if cancer didn’t take her first, then depression would. She wasn’t happy during the last few months she had to live. And that. Was entirely because of you.”

Guilt seeps its way into Seungyoun’s skin with every word Seungwoo speaks.

“Do you remember how you met my sister?”

Yes. Seungyoun remembers.

“It’s almost uncanny how similar the situation was back then to the situation you are in right now,” Seungwoo smiles but there’s no happiness to it, “Jimin introduced you to my sister and suggested that you two date because you were both at the age to. Why? Why would Jimin do that if you were already having an affair with her? Why did you lead my sister on only to break her heart?”

Seungyoun wasn’t aware that Sunhwa thought he reciprocated her feelings. If he ever flirted, it must have been done accidentally. But that doesn’t change the fact that Seungyoun was in the wrong.

“The same day Sunhwa was diagnosed with cancer, she found out you were out on a date with Jimin through other gossipping coworkers. Don’t you think you at least deserve to feel what she felt back then? As she lay in that hospital, she looked so empty and unmotivated. That’s you right now, except you’re not on your deathbed. You still have so much farther to go.”

Seungwoo stands up, “I may have introduced you to Hangyul, who is already in a relationship with a Wooseok that you may or may not have feelings for too, but I’m nothing like that Jimin bitch. I did everything in your best interests. If you still think that you want to go back to fucking around with strangers and ignore my help, then go ahead.”

Pulling the bathroom door open, Seungwoo looks down at Seungyoun with one last apathetic glance, “I can only afford to hold your hand for so long.”

This is his punishment, Seungyoun accepts. For having sinned in a past life and enraged fate so much that it traumatized him into not being able to know love. And from now on, he might as well not make friends either.


End file.
